Where do I begin? Let’s begin with the elephant in the room. I haven’t been writing much here. But I have been very active in social media. I am sure that doesn’t count as writing, so I am not gonna make it count as such. I don’t particularly feel guilty about it though. Because life is like that. Sometimes, you just drop out of something without much explanation. It’s inevitable.
So what happened?
I went to therapy..
Last year was weird for me. After years of trying to fix myself I finally decided to seek therapy. What was the last straw that broke the camel’s back? I don’t know. But I do know the events that finally lead to me seeking therapy. Some time in February, a superior called me on the phone one night after I said a few things about COVID19 safety policy in our workplace and asked me “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you just accept what I said?”. The superior then proceed to say that people like me should never get into a higher position in this place and then threatened to jeopardize my application to another (higher) position in my workplace. You are not worthy. He said. It was harsh. It was unnecessary and very unprofessional. And to think that I got all that from worrying about people’s safety. On hindsight, I think I handled the conversation very well but the attack scarred me so much that I took me so long to recover from it. There were days when I spent time crying in my car before I get myself to work. It was all the crying that made me realized that it was not normal anymore. That was when I decided to seek therapy.
Therapy was probably one of the best thing to ever happened to me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not completely healed yet. I think the misconception I got before therapy was the fact that I thought that after therapy, I would be happy. I thought it would be like taking medication and then voila, all my sadness would be gone. But that is not the case. But I do have the tools now to understand why I felt the way I felt. The tools helped me. It also made me realized that NO it is not about finding happiness. Therapy is about finding ways to be okay in difficult situations because there are things that we just can’t change. ie. a hostile work environment.
It's okay to not be okay
I learned last year that it is okay to not be okay. I learned to continue functioning despite being broken emotionally. I learned that this is me, I may be broken inside but my spirit is whole. Despite everything that happened I did my absolute best in everything that I had to do last year.
Thanks to countless hours in therapy I learned to not find validation from the outside. Because ultimately, I know my own worth and I am worth more than people’s opinion about me and that is enough. I am enough.
Winning is not everything...
I was leading a team to enter a competition last year and at first, in the midst of my own personal struggle I thought I may not be able to do it. But, thanks to the help of some friends, I persevered. It was not easy but we end up winning First Place in a Lean Management competition in our organization. Not bad for someone labelled as unworthy by her boss, eh?
Also managed to earn two Microsoft Certifications while I was at it.
This also helped me so much in my therapy. It showed me that I am not defined by other people’s opinion of me and regardless of what they think, I can still shine as bright as I want.
Launched Three NFTs Collection
Launched my NFT Collection last year. You can check out my NFT releases here. I am looking forward to creating more collections this year. Stay tuned!
Optic Neuritis
Yes, last year was full of ups and downs. Literally days before we compete, I was diagnosed with Optic Neuritis in left eye. What this means is I have an inflammation in my left eye which could probably lead to temporary or permanent blindness. It also meant that I probably have MS because ON is usually the first signs of MS. How did I found out about it? I did not have any symptoms, I was only doing a routine eye exam when they found it. Was it scary? Yes. I was scared out of my mind. I had a few very long and very exhausting appointments between November and December. Took countless tests. Still don’t know why I have it. Doctors haven’t prescribed anything to treat the condition as well. Fingers crossed.
Leaving to do other things...
I have been thinking about this. About leaving to do other things. It’s like a calling that I haven’t answered. For a few moments last year, I thought I was going to do exactly that. I was moving. Finally moving forward. I was scared to talk about it because I did not want to jinxed it. But now the moment has passed and I can finally say something about it. For a few weeks, at the end of last year… I thought I was moving to the US. I was offered a position as a tech community builder, something that I have always been passionate about because of my background as community lead with Google Business Group and WordCamp. It felt like a dream came through. I was walking on clouds for weeks. I began cutting things lose and letting things go. I felt untethered for the first time in my life. It was so scary and amazing at the same time. Alas, I got news later that the startup wasn’t able to get enough funding to take off, so my move to the US has been postponed (or shelved permanently).
Whenever I feel down I would try to capture that feeling that I had in those few weeks when I thought I was leaving Malaysia. It was such an enormous feeling. I would love to feel that way forever.
Nunc Progrediamur!! Let's Get on with things...
So where do I begin again? Despite all the let downs, life is all about new beginnings and endings. Can’ t give up yet right? Let’s Fly or Die.
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